Transitioning to School: How to Have a Happy First Day of School for Your Toddler

By: Dr. Michelle S. Williams

One concern that parents and caregivers often share is their concern about their child missing them or crying when they’re gone. Transition your child from school to home can be a challenge. But, Keep reading for my tips on how to help your toddler have a happy first day of school.

I wish I could say I get it, but I was blessed with three children who never looked back once I took them to school. Full transparency - I don’t know any “special tricks” that helped me get here. I believe that this part is very personality-driven. Some children are just not interested in meeting new people. But, as a child care provider, I am often the first person outside of family to spend a large amount of time with your child. This is a huge honor and responsibility. Here’s what I’ve learned thus far: 

• Every child is different

• Redirection generally works 

• Providing a sense of safety usually works 

• Parents tend to struggle more than children

So, whether you’re preparing to send your child off for the first time, or if this is your daily struggle or anywhere in between, I hope the following information helps ease everyone’s transition.

Every Child is Different 

I consistently drill this idea into my own children. Every. One. Is. Different. This is my simplified version of what they also hear from me, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. One of the reasons that I feel that OCMS is so successful at affirming each family’s culture is because of our deep-seated recognition of individuals. Every day each of us wakes as a new self, and each day, we bring that self to different spaces, and each of those spaces may also change us. 

Imagine this, you gently wake up just moments before your alarm feeling well-rested. The sun is shining and birds are chirping. You get dressed and your clothes seem to fit extra-nicely today. You are early enough to eat your favorite breakfast or enjoy a cup of coffee. You drive yourself to work and your favorite song gets played on the radio. You pull into the parking lot at work and get to park in your favorite spot and now you’re preparing to exit the car and go to work. How might you feel in this situation? How might you “show up” to work that day?

Now, imagine a different scenario. You are awakened by the noise of the garbage trucks passing by. You realize you forgot to take out the trash and you’re already late to work. You haven’t had a chance to do the laundry, so you have to wear that outfit in the back of your closet that you despise, but just haven’t gotten rid of. You skip breakfast because there’s just no way and you don’t even have time to grab a cup of coffee. You are stuck in traffic because you were late and your phone won’t connect to your car, so you can’t even listen to music. To top it off, when you get to work, you have to park in the overflow lot across the street. Now you’re preparing to exit the car and go to work. Now, how might you feel? How might you “show up” to work that day? 

Your answers to the above questions are dependent on a variety of factors. How you deal with obstacles, your skill at resetting your emotions, your feelings from the night before, your expectations for the day you will have, whether or not you like your job… the list can continue. Similar factors abound for our children and they often experience life in similar ways. Perhaps they wanted to use the pink cup during breakfast, but it was still in the dishwasher. Maybe they woke up feeling tired or they wanted to hear a certain song in the car ride but they couldn’t remember the name of it to ask you. Perhaps when you arrived, you parked in a different spot than they’re used to and their favorite teacher who usually greets them wasn't there. 

Couple these factors with your child’s natural and learned ability to cope with disappointment and overcome obstacles, acknowledge and reset their emotions, and their expectations for the day. 

The key is to identify and acknowledge these factors and help your child learn to identify, acknowledge, and cope, if necessary. Name the issue. Name the feeling. And know that these factors are as important to them as your factors are important to you. 

Redirection Generally Works

I love to share the story of a particular student’s first day of preschool. She had just turned 18 months old and had the gift of being home with both parents until that day. When her parents brought her to the playground and said goodbye, she immediately began wailing and crocodile tears began to fall. After encouraging the parents to just walk away (I’ll talk more about that below) and promising to take extra special care of their extra special child (I always honor the amount of trust parents must place in their caregivers), I held their little one’s hand as she watched them leave. She continued to wail, but the moment the gate closed, I needed to redirect her attention. First, I assured her that her parents would be back later that day and then I showed her all of the awesome toys that she could play with. Just as quickly as her tears came, they dried up and she sat down on the slide to begin playing. 

Do not mistake this story as evidence that redirection always works. Remember, every child is different. So, for some redirection works and for others, it does not. Also, on some days redirection works and other days it does not. 

Also, do not misinterpret redirection as getting parents to sneak away. I do not advocate this approach because I believe it fosters mistrust. For a chld, sneaking away means that if I look away for just a moment, you may not be there anymore. This concept is also linked to a child’s understanding of object permanence, a concept that is reinforced through particular learning materials in the classroom. The idea is a simple one for adults, but needs to be cultivated in young children: just because you cannot see an object, doesn’t mean it’s not there. So, redirection isn’t about tricking the child, it’s about allowing the child to practice their understanding of object permanence and build trust with caregivers at home and at school. 

Sense of Safety 

Now, if you’re like me, then the moment I drop my child off for the first time, I’m watching their every move. And every drop off and pick up is the same for me. In my mind, I’m asking myself, “does she seem happy?” “Does she willingly walk to her teacher?” “Has her behavior changed and if so, how?” These are a few of the questions that run through my head regularly as I’m continually assessing each of my children’s sense of safety. 

You know your child best, so you know if your child is refusing to go to school because they don’t feel safe or because they’d simply rather be with you. The key is to be able to tell the difference. One way that I support parents in answsering this question is by sharing regular updates throughout the day. Pictures and videos of their children interacting with materials and adults for them to see how their child is adjusting. Generally speaking, if the child would simply prefer to be with their caregiver, then redirection will eventually work and they will soon find themselves engrossed in the activities and materials. And, if the child feels safe in the environment, the same will happen, too. 

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a child is just not having it. This may point to other issues as well. Perhaps they’re coming down with something, perhaps they’re just tired, or perhaps this is an area that needs to be explored. But, if a caregiver can help a child feel safe, then it can ease the transition. 

One way that we develop this sense of safety at OCMS is to invite families to bring in a family picture. We use this image to speak with the child about who makes them feel safe and loved. We remind them that the person (or people) in the picture will pick them up later or that they will see them later. And we give them time to sit with their feelings before attempting redirection again. 

Another way we develop a sense of safety is in our cozy and predictable atmosphere. I had a Motnessori coach explain the importance of predictability in this way: “Imagine if every day that you walk into your kitchen, your things are in a different place. How would that make you feel?” So, we carefully prepare our environment in a way that invites predictability. Although materials change, the essence of the task tends to remain. So, our children know where to go if they want a crayon or a particular material. We also use child sized furniture and cozy accents such as plants, art, and rugs to help foster a sense of safety. 

Parents Struggle More

This is one of my favorites! I mentioned earlier that none of my children had transition issues. But, boy did I ever! For every single child, I sat in my car and cried. Yup. I said it. I cried. 

When my first-born started school, her teacher told me that it was imperative that I say my goodbyes, make it brief, and walk away strong. This also develops a sense of safety because your child is not going to trust the school if you don’t. So, I did it. I told her she gets to stay here with her teacher while I go to work. I told her that I would be back to pick her up in the afternoon. I gave her hugs and kisses and I watched her walk away. You know what I wasn’t prepared for? I was not prepared for her to say bye and not look back. In all honesty, I felt a little abandoned and a little like I didn’t mean that much to her. I realized that deep down, I wanted her to cry and struggle. Because deep down, I thought that would mean that I’m such a great mommy that she couldn’t bare to be away from me. But she didn’t. She didn’t even look back! 

So, I held it together. I walked to the car. I sat down. And then I cried. The ugly cry. 

But, I’m here to tell you that over time, I learned that my children's response had more to do with them as individuals and less to do with me as a mom (obviously!). I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not alone in feeling this way. But the truth is that I had loved my child in a way that created a sense of trust and safety. So, she believed that if I trusted this person, she should, too. Couple that with an amazing teacher and staff, a cozy and predictable environment, and the “self” that she and I had brought to school that day and we had a recipe for success. 

Closing 

I was lucky with each of my children. If you consider the amount of factors that had to work out right for our transitions to go well, many of which are not in my control, then you can imagine why I say that I’ve been lucky. 

But, there are things that you can control. You can be intentional in giving your child a good evening prior and a good morning the day of. You can build your child’s trust in their new environment. And, you can walk away with your head held high, knowing you’ve done your best and trusting that you’ve chosen a school and a staff that will help further your child’s sense of safety and confidence. 

Overall, good luck! It’s hard out here for us caregivers!