Toddlers and Discipline: A Montessori Approach

By: Dr. Michelle S. Williams

Once at an event at a neighborhood Montessori school, the lead guide stated that “most meltdowns begin as a meltdown in communication. The adult has one agenda and the child has another.” I have often considered this statement when working with my own children. I remember it as a constant reminder when I’m ready to leave the house, but my toddler needs to “tuck in” her baby before we leave or even my 10-year-old needs a sip of water. Of course, it’s easier to reason with my eldest, but it’s also important to remember that my toddler’s needs are just as important. So, how do you balance acknowledging your toddler’s new-found autonomy and independence with your very real and often urgent needs as the adult? Keep reading for a few tips:

• Don’t take it personally

  • If your toddler has a meltdown, it’s about their needs, not about you. Remain calm and demonstrate a calm, clear demeanor and voice. I often focus on my desire to understand, so when my toddler starts whining or yelling, I calmly remind her, “I cannot understand you when you yell. Can you calmly tell me what you need?”

    
    

• Listen and Observe

  • Oftentimes, toddlers don’t have the vocabulary to share what they really want. Listen carefully, and if you don’t know what they’re saying, ask them to show you. Then, follow where they lead you so you can figure it out. Observe carefully. What are they attempting to do that is in opposition of your desires/expectations? For example, I know my daughter is very particular about which shoes she wears. So, if she’s yelling that she doesn’t want to leave, it may just be that she doesn’t want to leave wearing these shoes.

    
    

• Plan ahead - whenever possible

  • Over time, patterns emerge that may not be what we hoped for, but they are the reality of what is. For example, you want your spouse to empty their purse or pockets in the office, but they always empty them on the kitchen counter. In this instance, tidy house experts will encourage you to work with the motion and provide a receptacle for those contents on or near the kitchen counter so that your spouse can review the contents later and remove the unsightly mess. In this instance, one can choose to push the issue or consider adjusting to a routine that meets everyone's needs.

    The same is true of routines with your child. If you know that your child must have a sip of water and a bathroom break before bed time, adding it to the routine meets their needs and creates a much calmer atmosphere. Perhaps they always ask for a snack when running errands (even if they just ate. Is it just my kid??). Adjusting your routine to pack a snack acknowledges their needs / desires and still gets your needs met.

    
    

• Communicate often

  • If you're like me, you may often forget that this tiny human is still only a toddler. (I mean, my little one can make a solid and logical argument for a cookie if she really wants it!) But remember that toddlers still exist in the moment. They are the embodiment of being present and mindful. They may be tired, or hungry, or thirsty, or whatever desire they have, that's the only thing on their mind at the moment (side note- well nourished and rested children also tend to be more reasonable). So, don't fret if you have to repeat yourself every day. Just know that when you remind your little one to "use their inside voice" one day, it will stick! Pre-emptive reminders also work. So, don't be afraid to use them.

    
    

• Focus on the task

  • Very much related to not taking it personally, focus on the task. If you allow your frustrations to take over, you may find yourself falling into old (or new!) habits like asking questions you don't want to know the answer to (think - why did you wait until we're leaving to use the bathroom??) or falling into the superlative trap (you always forget to wash your hands!). Neither of these are helpful to achieving your goal.

    Instead, calmly, clearly, and efficiently (as few words as necessary), state what you want (I need you to pick up your jacket.). And, since toddlers have not mastered the negative, you should focus on the action you want to see, not the one you don't. So, if you say, "don't throw your apple" many toddlers will only hear the "throw your apple" part. Instead, think of the action you want (eg. "you can place your apple in the compost").

    
    

• Give options that you approve

  • This is my personal favorite and one that my toddler may sometimes notice is happening, but still not know how to get around it. Since so much of their lives are dictated for them, toddlers seek opportunities to excercise their autonomy. Good preparation can help this work in your favor and in theirs (win/win!).

    In relation to focusing on the task, you may anticipate a struggle with a particular task. For example, your little one may not want to be buckled into their car seat and we know that's not negotiable. So, you offer two (and only two) options that still get to what you want. First, you don't want to overwhelm them with choices (decision fatigue is real, people!), but you want them to feel that they have a choice. So in the previous example, you could ask, "Would you like me or your mom to buckle you in?" The focus shifts from having to get into the car seat to choosing who will put them there.

These are just a few ideas and actions that I've found have worked for our family. What "Parent Hacks" do you have for helping your toddler make good choices? If you need more information, you can also check out this article from the Montessori Foundation.